I’m fine lately.
Actually, I take that back. There is something new. I started my ninth step. I was about to begin it when my server got hacked, and then I was in a rush to get things back online, so on Wednesday I got back to the steps.
I did something that’s not recommended – I started my ninth step with my parents. I did it because I wanted to get it over with. I have an enormous amount of shame over the way I’ve abused my relationship with them. Basically, they’d do anything for me, and I’ve always known that. When I was using I would spend all of my money on booze and never had money left over to pay my bills, so I’d go calling them looking for a handout. I’d always make up some excuse about why I was broke, and they’d always write me a check. I don’t think I would have felt as bad if my parents actually had some money, but they don’t. They’re on a fixed income and they were writing checks against their house so that I could continue my insanity.
What have I done about it now? Well, I’ve apologized, fessed up to my wrong-doings, and I’m paying them back now. It feels so nice to actually write them checks instead of cashing theirs. I also bought them a new computer – something they’ve needed for a while now, but in my selfishness, never realized.
The jist of all of this – I feel better about our relationship now. Granted, since I’ve been sober, they’ve been nothing but supportive and proud of me, but now I feel like we’re on the same level again – a level where we can each respect each other.
And yes, it’s so frick’n sunny out right now I could just die!