… and I am Somebody male. in my thirties. recovering alcoholic. live in minneapolis. work in progress. gay. serenity please.

Life is F.I.N.E.

03.26.2005 · Posted in Family, Recovery

I’m fine lately.

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

Hah! No seriously, things are okay. Nothing really new going on. Just the usual work, the program, and still working on getting the website back up to par after the incident.

Actually, I take that back. There is something new. I started my ninth step. I was about to begin it when my server got hacked, and then I was in a rush to get things back online, so on Wednesday I got back to the steps.

I did something that’s not recommended – I started my ninth step with my parents. I did it because I wanted to get it over with. I have an enormous amount of shame over the way I’ve abused my relationship with them. Basically, they’d do anything for me, and I’ve always known that. When I was using I would spend all of my money on booze and never had money left over to pay my bills, so I’d go calling them looking for a handout. I’d always make up some excuse about why I was broke, and they’d always write me a check. I don’t think I would have felt as bad if my parents actually had some money, but they don’t. They’re on a fixed income and they were writing checks against their house so that I could continue my insanity.

What have I done about it now? Well, I’ve apologized, fessed up to my wrong-doings, and I’m paying them back now. It feels so nice to actually write them checks instead of cashing theirs. I also bought them a new computer – something they’ve needed for a while now, but in my selfishness, never realized.

The jist of all of this – I feel better about our relationship now. Granted, since I’ve been sober, they’ve been nothing but supportive and proud of me, but now I feel like we’re on the same level again – a level where we can each respect each other.

And yes, it’s so frick’n sunny out right now I could just die!

6 Responses to “Life is F.I.N.E.”

  1. just wanna tell you what a great job you’ve done…i hope this helps a little….but anyways…keep up the good work…cheerios~

  2. sushibear says:

    Your post helped me today. Thanks.

  3. This is what I’m waiting for… to help my parents in spite of using them… to pay back what there is to pay and vanish from the family life for ever.

  4. Sparkles, glad to hear that you’ve been working to set things right with your parents. Ultimately, I hope you reach the point where you can let go of the regret and shame and finally forgive yourself. In the end, the only ones that really can judge us are ourselves.

  5. Families reunited. Good things really can happen.

  6. Dan, congrats on Step 9!