… and I am Somebody male. in my thirties. recovering alcoholic. live in minneapolis. work in progress. gay. serenity please.

Came to believe

06.10.2004 · Posted in Recovery

Today is my fourth month anniversary in sobriety. Well, actually, since it’s past midnight, I’ve got four months and one day. I also did my second step tonight with Jim. I was actually kind of nervous going into it because I don’t really know where I lie spiritually right now.

What I do know is that I’ve come to really enjoy AA, I’ve met some really cool people in it, and my life has gotten a whole lot better since joining. If all I have to do is believe that a higher power can restore myself to sanity, then I guess I’m going to believe it!

My sponsir, Jim, told me that this step is something that, if you’re struggling with it, you should at least try to “fake it ’til you make it,” meaning that you should do what’s suggested and eventually you’ll get it. I don’t think that I’m completely struggling with it, more like I just don’t know how God is going to restore me to sanity. I guess I’ll just have to have faith.

Anyhow, we talked, I identified a lot with what he said. As a result of examining this step and continuing to work on it, I’m going to pray more often, pray in a more structured fashion, have faith, and continue to try and ‘let go and let God.’ “Let go and let God” was something I picked up on almost immediately while in treatment. I’ve always been a control freak – major character defect for me, and when something happens that I don’t like, it’s so nice to be able to say this little prayer to myself. It’s a major relief. You surrender to the reality that you can’t do anything about, have a mini-epiphany,
if you will, and just let it go. It’s almost empowering in a non-empowering sort of way.

The other thing I’m going to work on is what I like to call my “karma bank.” I feel like I’ve been incredibly blessed in my life. I’ve been fortunate, raised in a loving household, have a lot to be thankful for, have never really had to face any huge consequences, and I feel sometimes like I don’t deserve it. Like maybe someday something really catastrophic might happen to me because I’ve taken out this huge karma-loan and one day I might have to pay back on it. Jim told me that I had better start doing some service work so that I can pay it back little-by-little – I think that’s a great idea 🙂

Anyway, off to never-never land – actually I’m just reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey – a memoir about a 23 year old who ends up at Halzeden with no teeth, a swoolen face, and literally nothing else.

One Response to “Came to believe”

  1. christianna says:

    just saw your website. i am a friend of bill’s too from norfolk, virginia. good to hear you’re working the program. don’t quit before the miracle happens!