4 PLACES I’VE BEEN
- In the shower of the Presidential Suite at The Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. Just don’t ask how many others were in it with me.
- In Kevin Williamson’s backyard, watching Sade perform at the Hollywood Bowl from up on the hill. Best seats in the house, and they were free. Sans the HUGE spider that landed on my face. (Sade heard me scream. Which is ironic, considering the property owner’s film trilogy.)
- In the Emergency Room, watching a friend get a spinal tap. Never again
- The same rehab center, with fake plastic trees, as Augusten Burroughs wrote about in his memoir, Dry. Of course I was on the fast track and graduated in 21 days.
4 JOBS I’VE HAD
- McDonalds Fry Boy, Birthday Host, Griller, and finally, Manager – 4 years of extreme acne during high school.
- Data Entry, Customer Service, Gofer, Filer, Envelope Stuffer, Faxer, Copier, Collator. Grunt office work – you name it, and I probably did it. I have the paper cuts on my tongue to prove it.
- Executive Assistant to the President. This lasted about one month. I was filling in for the previous EA while they sought out a replacement. I think the President said two words to me the entire month. He was either scared of the flaming homo sitting outside his office, or didn’t think I could do the job. Either way, I had one easy month of long lunches!
- Extra on the X-Files, during it’s tenth season. Officially I was an alien-abductee, found along with Moulder, who had been missing for a number of episodes. I was on the set for 13 hours and got paid $86. At one point during the shoot I had my hands handcuffed behind my back and was manhandled by an actual LAPD SWAT Team Officer wearing a ski mask for twenty takes – the first of which had me all over Gillian Anderson’s chest (she missed her cue). The rest of which I thoroughly enjoyed.
4 OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
- Coffee (does this count?)
4 SCENES IN MOVIES I WISH I’D WRITTEN AND DIRECTED
- The pot-smoking scene in Eyes Wide Shut, where Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are getting high, laughing, and she’s being brutally honest about an affair she had with a naval officer.
- The campfire scene in Stand By Me with River Phoenix and Wil Wheaton. Quintessential coming of age story.
- The courtroom scene in Legally Blonde, where Elle Woods drills the murder victim’s daughter and tricks her into admitting to the killing after getting all flustered about a hole in her alibi. She was supposedly in the shower, washing her hair, immediately after getting a perm. As if!
- Any number of scenes in Magnolia.
– Julianne Moore at the Pharmacy, flipping out at “You people!”
– Journalist interviewing Tom Cruise and confronting him about his true identity.
– Cracked out junky at home when her dying father visits her.
- Do I have to be limited to four? There are so many others … What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Crash, Drop Dead Gorgeous …