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June 30, 2005

How lame ARE we?

Lindsey Lohan is in town to shoot A Parie Home Companion. Sure she's in the spotlight at the moment, but the Strib makes us sound like the biggest small town in America. This morning they had this photo on their website:

Accompanied by this caption:

Lindsay Lohan returns to the set of the movie "Prairie Home Companion" in St. Paul on Wednesday. But this time, she wasn't as heavily guarded as when she had left it. Paparazzi, including some from New York City, waited to get a shot of her.

New York City - No! Really?

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June 29, 2005

There's a storm'a brew'n

Ooooh lar lar - this is going to be a fun afternoon! I love me some thunderstorms!

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Twin Cities Gay Pride 2005

Sunday at the Parade, and later at the festival was another fun-filled and sweaty day!

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The Machinist

I just watched The Machinist. Great film. Great film. The message to me was clear - your secrets will kill you.

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June 27, 2005

Searching for serenity

I am posting this because it definitely worked for me and we could all use more serenity in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my condo to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the home this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s, a bottle of Belvedere, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some saltines and a box of Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

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Geekslut

My favorite cyber-stud is back online! Go check out Geekslut.

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June 25, 2005

Minneapolis Gay Pride 2005

Just walked around Loring Park, where the Gay Pride Festival has kicked off. Today's theme was "Hot".

146 other photos from the park in the Gallery.

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June 23, 2005

Speeding in Paris

Ever wonder what it would be like to speed through Paris in the wee hours of the morning, just before sunrise? Neither have I, but Rendezvous, a French short film, exemplifies it. Paris landmarks whiz by as the driver weaves in and out of traffic, ignores red lights, pushes their vehicle to its performance limit threshold around the round-abouts and nearly misses other drivers and pedestrians. Not sure how they filmed it legally, but it's damn cool.

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June 19, 2005

Valentine's Day Eve, part five

continued from ... Valentines Day Eve, part four.

I awoke at 7:00 AM to the florescent lighting being turned on and a large lady with a short-cropped haircut yelling, "Time to get up!"

This place was littered with too many lesbians on staff.

The plastic sheet crinkled as I rolled over to face the wall in retreat.

The lesbian shut the door and Jeff hopped out of bed, threw on a robe and made his way out to the common area. I rolled over and looked to Mike who was crammed between his bed and the wall. Motionless, but I knew he was alive by his slight snoring.

I laid there for another few minutes, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers affixed to the drop ceiling.

I got up, put some clothes on and tried to wake Mike. I stood over his bed and said, "Mike, it's time to get up."

Not so much as a flinch.

I touched his shoulder and repeated myself, a little louder and sterner this time. "Mike. It's time to get up."

Nothing. Not even a break in his snoring.

This time I rocked him back and forth. Louder and sterner yet. "Mikkkkeeee. It's time to get up!"

He gently opened his eyes and said, "I'm skipping breakfast."

Okay, I thought. Suit yourself.

I exited the room quietly to the common area, where to my surprise, all of these drunks and addicts were already up! Roughly half were in the lobby, a few making coffee in the vending area, and the rest outside smoking their morning cigarettes.

What in the hell are these people doing up so early? Aside from Mike, I was the last one up.

I was to find out that most people here were so used to falling asleep with the aid of the bottle, and once the bottle was taken away, they had trouble sleeping. Made sense. Thankfully I wasn't as sick as them. I had no trouble sleeping. Except for last night - but that was because the bed was so awful, right? I mean seriously. Who wouldn't have trouble sleeping on a 2 inch mattress atop a plywood box, with a plastic sheet crinkling beneath you?

The nurse on duty called me over. "You Dan?" She sounded a little gruffy and had bleached blonde hair just like the nurse who admitted me the night before. Were poor dye jobs or butch lesbian cuts a prerequisite for obtaining a job here?

"Yes."

"I've gotta take your vitals. Come on over and take a seat."

I sat down in the chair beside the nursing station as Mary took my pulse. She got distracted when one of the other inpatients asked her a question and had to start again. She got her count and recorded it in my chart. Next she stuck a thermometer in my mouth and began asking me questions to which she wanted me to nod my head to.

"Any trouble sleeping?"

I made indicated a little bit with my thumb and index finger gapped slightly.

"Any headaches?"

I nodded my head from side to side. No.

"Any diarrhea?"

Again I nodded my head from side to side. No. Thank gawd I hadn't - there were other people in the room! How embarrassing!

"Any nausea?"

No.

The thermometer beeped and she removed it from my mouth, recording the reading in my chart.

"On a scale from one to ten, ten being the highest, what's your anxiety level?"

That seemed like an odd question. I thought about it a little bit, and realized that I was actually taking to this place better than I thought I would. I wasn't all that nervous, nor was I scared. In fact, I think I felt a little "less sick" than most of my peers. I still had a lot to learn.

"I guess about five," I responded.

"Okay, good. Now I want you to hold your hands straight forward from your body and hold them as still as you can."

Another strange request, I thought. I proceeded with the exercise. I knew that my hands were always a bit shaky, but this was embarrassing. I couldn't hold them still if my life had depended on it. Both hands trembled erratically.

Mary recorded something in my chart and sent me on my way.

Seeing people outside smoking, I ran for the coffee in the vending area, poured myself a Styrofoam cup full, and made a mad dash for the exit. I set my coffee down quickly, donned my coat, and slowly walked outside in my slippers, pajama bottoms, and a winter coat - holding my coffee as carefully as I could with my hands shaking the way I'd grown accustomed to them shaking.

"Wanna hear a joke?" asked one of my fellow smokers.

"No, not this early in the morning, please." I was not in the mood to be social. It was zero degrees, the ground covered with snow, I could see the steam rising from my coffee, my breath, and my cigarette. It was my intention to puff this bitch down as fast as I could and make my way back inside.

"What bounces up and down at 100 mph?" he asked anyway.

I didn't even think about it before responding. "I don't know."

"A dead baby tied to the back of a truck."

"That's awful!" Who could think a joke about a dead baby was funny? I continued alternating between the coffee cup and my cigarette, intending to get away from this guy as soon as possible.

"What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?"

"I don't know, but really, that's okay, I don't have to know." I was almost pleading with him NOT to finish his joke.

"A baby in the microwave."

That was enough. I tossed my cigarette in one of three metal buckets intended for just that, and made my way inside.

Breakfast was being served upstairs. That sounded good. I rarely ate breakfast, unless it was a bagel or doughnut that somebody brought into the office.

I found my buddy Bob at the end of the line for breakfast. We chatted momentarily as the line advanced and we were then standing inside the cafeteria. No, I'm not kidding - this was an elementary school cafeteria plopped right into a treatment center. Memories of my own elementary school surfaced. How I used to stand in line waiting for the ladies with the hairnets to plop the slop onto my tray. Doing everything I could to avoid any subsequent splashes of gravy from hitting me, or worse - my clothes!

Bob introduced me to a lady behind the counter. "Christine, this is Dan. He's new here."

"Well hello, Dan! Welcome!"

Boy, she was rambunctious.

"Hello," I replied.

"What do you want in your omlet on this fine morning? We've got eggs, egg-whites, sausage, cheese, tomatoes, onions, green peppers, red peppers, olives, salsa, sour cream. You name it."

Not able to think quick enough on my feet, and fearful that I'd hold up the line, I replied simply, "Surprise me."

I made some toast and readied my orange juice. I set my tray down next to Bob's and went back to the buffet where Christine had just finished up my omlet. I could get used to this.

It was spectacular. Christine kicked ass. Not sure what she used in that omlet, but it was fantastic! Bob explained to me that Christine used to be the Executive Chef at the Wayzeta Country Club - a place I'd certainly heard of. Something like a $100,000 initiation fee and a $30,000 annual membership fee. The place was as hoity-toity as they came in Minnesota. Which explained why my simple omlet could have been served down at any five star restaurant for $25.

Yep, I could get used to this part.

"So, ummm, no offense to Christine, but if she used to have a job like that, why in the hell is she working here?" I inquired.

"She's an alcoholic. Been sober two years now after going through Hazelden. She heard about this job shortly after getting out of treatment and thought it would be good for her sobriety. I'm sure she'll find something more glamorous, but for now, this is part of what she does to stay sober."

Yikes, I thought. There's no way I'm going back to my high school job at McDonalds - I certainly hope it doesn't come to that.

I finished breakfast rather quickly and headed back downstairs to see if I could catch a cigarette in the absence of dead baby jokes. I could see nobody outside as I descended the stairs. Phew. I made a quick run to the coffee machine, got a refill and headed back to the "Atrium", as they referred to it as. I guess they called it an atrium because it's ceiling vaulted up the two stories of the building and had windows along the exterior. The stairs leading up to the group room, staff offices, and the cafeteria were also contained within the atrium. But for me "Atrium" stirred images of beautiful plant life, elegance, and fine things. This place certainly had none of those things. The stairs were carpeted in that thin stuff you might find on an average boat - meant to last a long time and withstand sun and water. The floor was covered in that taracotta 6 inch tile that you find in the kitchens of every fast food restaurant this side of the equator. And the coat rack was a real piece of art - steel piping visibly welded together on a rolling base. More than three coats hanging on it and it leaned dangerously to one side. Oh, and fake plants. About 4 of them. With that fake moss covering the supposed gardening soil in the pot.

I stepped outside, again playing that balancing act with the coffee - trying to open the door and then light a cigarette without spilling. I stood there in solitude. Roughly 7:30 in the morning now. The sun was coming up. Snow covered the ground. Birds chirping.

The smoking area was in the rear of the building. A small cement patio bordered by a small parking lot that butted up against a creek and swamp land. The dead grass poked through the piles of snow, claiming its territory even through the dead cold of winter. Somebody had spread bird seed near the edge of the swampland. Birds were picking at it, and a bunny was a little further down the hill, nibbling the seed on the ground. There were townhomes beyond the creek up a hill. Further down the creek was an open area - something I presumed was either more swampland or maybe even a golf course. Then I thought better of the latter. Why would anyone put a golf course up against the rear of a treatment center for the gays in Eden Prairie?

So I had survived the evening. Now what? Before I had time to contemplate my situation any further a tall and slender black man came out wearing a multi-colored robe and slippers. He sat in a chair that I hadn't even considered - far too cold to put my rear down on anything. He had the beginnings of an afro, crossed his legs in a lady-like fashion, and leaned forward in a pseudo fetal position to retain as much of the heat his body generated as possible.

"Hello. I'm Dan." I greeted him without extending my hand. Again, too cold - no disrespect intended. The tone of my voice told him I was friendly.

"I'm Hennnrrrryyyy" he drawled quietly in response. A bit like a southern belle.

"Nice to meet you." I said. Henry didn't say another word. He just smoked his cigarette in silence. It was a bit awkward so I headed for the door, put out my cigarette and returned to the Atrium.

Morning Affirmations was set to begin in ten minutes. If last night's Fuzzy Wuzzy exercise was any indication as to how today was going to pan out, I was a little excited at the prospect of how strange things might become.

I went back to my room, changed out of my pajamas, brushed my teeth and woke Mike up. In a zombie-like manner he arose from bed, slid into some flip-flops and exited the room. I guess everybody has their own routine.

I made my way to the atrium once more, this time to head back upstairs for the ensuing affirmations. Shit, what were those three things again?

To be continued ...

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June 18, 2005

They grow up quickly, don't they?

I had the opportunity to visit with some childhood friends this afternoon. You see, my parents moved out of the house I grew up in some five years ago. Prior to them moving I was rarely around either. So to see some of the old neighbors and the kids, was quite a treat.

We all gathered in a back yard along the lake. Sun-shading tent pitched with tables galore. The kids playing horseshoes and running around terrorizing adults. Potato salad, fruit salad, eggbake, bagels - it was a strange assortment of food. And thankfully they had plenty of chocolate that needed to be eaten before it melted.

Clear sky and 80 degrees by the lake. It really brought back memories of growing up. The innocence. Freedom of responsibility. Naivety. Ignorance really is bliss.

The little girl I used to babysit graduated highschool - she had tits! She was wearing a low-cut, but not tacky, top. She had friends surrounding her. Her younger brother who I had also watched had grown too. Cute curly blonde hair - he's now sixteen! The last time I saw him he was seven years old and still sucking his thumb. I've got to think he must have done some permanent damage to his skin by the measure of time that thumb was housed in his mouth.

I got to spend some time with my "second mother" - the woman who watched my brother and I before and after school for many, many years. Wonderful lady.

The doctor's wife had kicked him out of the house for cheating, when she was at home raising the four daughters. She had a new boyfriend who seemed much more her style. I hope she's happier now. She still has her horses.

The next door neighbor died on Wednesday. He had some sort of cancer. He left a wife and two kids. I never really got along well with them, but I was a kid - does that really count? Now I feel sorry for them. They had to watch him suffer for six months before he finally passed.

The lesbians living in our old house weren't there. Ahhh well - no need for flannel on such a beautiful day anyhow, right? Okay, alright, already - I'm going straight to hell, I know.

I couldn't get over how much these kids had grown. As I drove away out of the old neighborhood, a feeling of my own age and mortality hit me. I'm a fuck'n grown-up now. They say that time flies when you're having fun. Today I'm having fun.

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June 16, 2005

I was tagged

What time did you get up this morning?
6:30 AM

Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds

What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

What is your favourite TV show?
Toss up between Dallas and Knots Landing

What is your middle name?
Troy

What is your favorite cuisine?
Whatever Grandma's cook'n

What foods do you dislike?
Thai, Somali

What is your favourite crisp/chip flavour?
Usually original / classic, but will sometimes opt for Sour Cream'n Onion if I have to pick something.

What is your favourite CD at the moment?
The Garden State Soundtrack

What is your favorite song?
Oh too many. It seems like I say, "Oh that's my favorite song ever" at least once a day. Love old school Michael Jackson, Prince, Madonna, etc. Currently liking Coldplay and more folky-stuff. Never: Country, Rap, Showtunes.

What kind of vehicle do you drive?
VW Jetta

What is your favourite sandwich?
PB&J, Ham, Grilled Cheese with tomato. Do burgers count?

What characteristics do you despise?
Cockiness, hatred, tendancies towards blind judgements

What is your favourite item of clothing?
My rhinestone tiara

If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go?
NYC

What colour is your bathroom?
White

What colour pants are you wearing?
J. Crew jeans in a dark blue with prefaded thighs and knees

Where would you retire?
Laguna Beach, CA

What is your favourite time of the day?
Whenever I can get some "Me time"

What is your most memorable birthday?
This past one - 26 years

What's the last thing you ate?
A fruit & yogurt sundae

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
WTF is this? I'd be lavendar, of course.

What is your favorite cartoon character?
HeMan, G.I.Joe

What is your favorite flower?
Orchid

What fabric detergent do you use?
Tide

Do you wish on stars?t
No

What is your shoe size?
10.5 - 11

Do you have any pets?
Just Peves

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Chris

What did you want to be when you were little?
A Kenwood Housewife

What are you meant to be doing now?
Lying in a ditch

What do you first notice about someone?
In guys - their arms. In girls - their voice.

What was your favourite toy as a child?
My General Lee pedal car

Summer or winter?
Summer, duh.

Hugs or Kisses?
Hugs.

Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate

Living arrangements?
Roommate

When was the last time you cried?
The day before I went into treatment - about a year and 4 months back.

What is under your bed?
A few dust-bunnies.

In how many cities have you lived?
2 Metro areas, but technically 4 cities.

Favourite movie of all time?
Magnolia

Mountains or beach?
Beach

Full names of your potential kids?
Don't plan on having any, so I've never thought about it.

What is your usual bedtime?
It varies. Sometimes it's 2:00 AM, sometimes it's 11:00 PM.

Tag, you're it:
Joe
Chadfox
Wanda

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June 15, 2005

Ad League Softball Game

Yesterday I attended my very first Ad League softball game. There are roughly 20 teams in the league - populated by folks who work at various agencies around town. It's a fun way to meet new people, build connections, and, in general, perpetuate the ad agency community's incestuous nature.

We won this game 8 - 2. I'd like to think it was because I was cheering on the team from the sidelines, but it probably had more to do with one of our teammates bringing 4 subs with her because everyone on the team was too busy with something that tends to occupy way too much of everybody's time - work.

I took a bunch of a photos and posted them in the gallery, but here are some highlights.

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June 13, 2005

oh come awn

I mean seriously - what in the hell is this?

Doesn't this woman know that it was PRINCE who did When Doves Cry?So I decided this woman was absurd and googled "dove" - these are some of my findings.

Michael has actually had experience with doves before!

And the rest:

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June 11, 2005

Safe (fashionable) sex

I wonder if it comes in platinum as well? Gold is so ... 1980.

Gold Ringed Burberry Condoms

Order your own 3-pack for the low low price of only $14.99! Or, if you wait, Old Navy is sure to come out with a sweat-shop version for only $3.99 in the very near future.

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June 08, 2005

Oh Anakin, OHHHH Anakin

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June 04, 2005

The arrogance

I wonder if this kid is going to get away with this again. After being busted a few years back for selling cable decoders, he was asked to pay back $60,000 of approximately $385,000 he made.

Now he's made in excess of $18 million and he hasn't even been charged with a crime yet, though everything's been seized.

His father and girlfriend say he's done nothing wrong, but they're obviously blinded by ignorance.

Oh, and I went to high school with this kid. He was a year younger than I.

Read the full story at StarTribune.com.

Story reprinted here because StarTribune.com generally doesn't keep stories alive for very long.

A web of trouble

Warren Wolfe, Star Tribune
June 5, 2005

In 1998, a few months after Chris Smith dropped out of Lakeville High School, his concerned father talked to him about the benefits of college -- and was startled by his son's reply.

"Dad, I made $69,000 online by 11 a.m. Why go to college?"

Over the next seven years, Christopher William Smith became known as a notorious Internet spammer nicknamed "Rizler," who, the FBI says, graduated to selling addictive drugs online and over the phone.

The golden-haired entrepreneur with a knack for computers was taking in $2 million a month by the time he was 25, enough to buy a string of luxury cars, including a Ferrari, a BMW and four Mercedes-Benzes, and to move into a $1.1 million house in Burnsville, court papers say.

For him, the Internet bubble of the late 1990s just kept expanding. At first he used the Internet to find leads for insurance companies, then filled e-mail boxes with billions of spam pitches for penis-enhancement products, cable television decoders and other products, the documents say.

Smith also leaped into the lucrative prescription drug market, selling addictive drugs such as Vicodin through his online pharmacy and a staff of 85 telemarketers, court papers say.

The bubble may finally have burst in May when federal agents raided his Burnsville company, Xpress Pharmacy Direct, shutting it down and seizing $4.2 million in assets. Court documents accuse Smith of fraud and money laundering, but no one has been charged with a crime.

From his start at age 10 selling popcorn and cotton candy at church fairs, Chris Smith has done well in business.

"I remember Chris sitting on my lap when he was one year old, trying to feed a floppy disk into my old Apple computer," said his father, Scott Smith, 55, of Lakeville.

He described his son as "brilliant but bored" by school. "Chris was raised knowing he could figure things out, knowing he could accomplish a lot with hard work," his father said.

"Chris is kind of like me, only smarter," said Smith, who has made and lost several million dollars himself.

In the 1970s and '80s, Scott Smith was a part owner of Minneapolis night clubs Scotties on Seventh, Graffitti's and Schiek's Cafe. He lost it all after he was critically injured in a car accident in 1985. Smith was divorced soon after that. He now owns Diaper Deck, a Lakeville company that is mainly responsible for introducing diaper-changing stations in public bathrooms.

Chris grew up splitting his time between his father's house on Lake Minnetonka and his mother's house on Crystal Lake in Burnsville, his father said. Chris Smith attended the Academy of Holy Angels, a Catholic high school in Richfield, but began skipping school, his father said.

Father and son then moved to Lakeville, where Chris switched to public school in January 1998 for his senior year. He didn't graduate.

He soon moved to Cannon Falls, Minn., where his dad had a Diaper Deck plant. Chris started a small business installing radios and other electronic equipment in cars, and soon discovered a new business, using Internet ads to seek out potential customers for insurance companies, his father said.

"He found he could do pretty well ... finding people who were looking for insurance and selling their names to insurance companies," his father said. "I was amazed. [The insurers] paid him $35 for a potential customer."

Chris Smith then turned to other Internet ventures -- and trouble was not far behind.

Web-based enemies

By March 2001, private investigators were staking out Chris' business in Cannon Falls. They worked for Time Warner, the cable television giant, which alleged that Chris Smith's new venture, Blast Marketing, sold cable TV decoders on the Internet to customers in New York City. The devices allow people to receive cable TV channels without paying for them.

Federal marshals seized Blast's business records and decoders in June 2001 under a court order obtained by Time Warner. The company alleged that Smith's decoder sales brought in $385,000 in the first half of 2001. When lawyers questioned Smith about selling decoders, he declined to answer, citing his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination, court papers say.

A federal judge in Minneapolis told Smith to stop selling cable decoders and ordered him to pay $60,000 in damages to Time Warner. Smith went on to other Internet ventures.

Anti-spam groups began to allege in 2002 that he was hijacking websites of other companies -- in effect taking control of their Internet addresses -- to send out unauthorized e-mails for a variety of products.

Across the Web, Chris Smith made enemies. An anonymous operator of one anti-spam website posted copies of what supposedly are Smith's passport and other documents. The Web page also describes Smith's online activities and lists his home and business addresses. A headline in large, red letters on the Web page says "BEWARE!!!"

An FBI affidavit filed in U.S. District Court in Minneapolis last month said that Smith "appears to be notorious throughout the Internet world for illegal or questionable conduct since at least 2001... [selling] cable descramblers, fake college degrees, eBay auctions, human growth hormones, male enhancement drugs and hair growth products."

Through his father, Chris Smith declined to be interviewed for this article. His father spoke about his son's life, but said little about allegations in government documents that he helped his son disguise profits from the Internet drug business.

"I love my son. I'm proud of him. I know he didn't do anything illegal," he said. "That spamming stuff they talk about, sometimes Chris may have been a middle man helping other business people, but he never broke the law. I'm sure of it."

Smith's attorney, William Michael, said the FBI affidavit and other court documents distort the work of a legitimate businessman.

Operations offshore

America Online disagrees. In March, the Internet service provider sued Smith, alleging that he violated anti-spamming laws through a company called Advistech SA that he established in Costa Rica.

Like the Web, Smith's operation was not limited by national borders.

Some of Advistech's computer operations were based in New York City in 2003, at times operating under a fictitious name, according to the AOL lawsuit filed against Smith and others. Smith authorized wire transfers from a Costa Rica bank to finance some elements of the operation, the suit says.

Day after day, Advistech's computers spat out e-mails that directed potential customers to the operation's websites, court documents say. The e-mails offered generic Viagra, diplomas from Trinity Southern University based on person's "life experience," X-rated images of "the youngest girls on the net" and the Maximum X10 "all-in-one male sexual enhancement breakthrough," according to the AOL lawsuit.

During seven months in early 2003, Smith and his associates transmitted more than 1 billion spam e-mails to or through AOL's computer system, using Internet addresses that had been hijacked from a Delaware company, the lawsuit alleges.

Smith used several aliases, according to the lawsuit, including Dieter W. Doneit-Schmitz, Eric Smith and Bruce Jonson. The suit also alleged that he submitted false information to obtain a Minnesota driver's license under an alias. On the Internet, he created websites with the Rizler name.

Calling to complain

By 2003, Smith was advertising prescription drugs on the Internet, former employees said. He added a call center in Burnsville in August 2004.

"I worked night and day, 60 or 70 hours a week, and Chris expected people to work hard," said Sara Seikkula of St. Paul, who became customer service manager in January.

Seikkula said Smith's operation had 12 websites, but they all linked to Xpress Pharmacy Direct. Employees were told the businesses operated legally. The operation also used telemarketers who called potential prescription drug customers, she added.

"I don't know where the lists came from," said Seikkula, but business "went through the roof" after Smith obtained the customer names.

Some people got multiple calls, making them so angry that they called back to complain, Seikkula said.

Telemarketers could earn $1,000 or more per week, partly through commissions, she said. Chris Smith also pushed them to make calls, she added.

"Chris was basically a nice guy, but he expected you to work, keep making calls. He'd come up with ideas, and he'd expect you to go with it. You didn't say no," she said.

Complaints by some customers and former employees late last year led to the investigation by the FBI, Drug Enforcement Administration and the Food and Drug Administration, court documents say.

Xpress Pharmacy Direct allegedly offered a wide range of prescription medications, including addictive drugs, court papers say. Smith had neither a state pharmacist license nor a separate federal license required for narcotic medications.

Customers often paid inflated prices, court papers say. A 90-pill supply of the anti-anxiety drug Xanax cost government investigators $349.99, more than twice the price charged by a well-known Internet pharmacy.

The FBI estimates that Smith took in $18 million this year.

Xpress Pharmacy Direct didn't require customers to have prescriptions. Instead, a New Jersey doctor was paid $7 per prescription to sign at least 22,000 prescriptions, including many for hydrocodone, the narcotic ingredient in Vicodin, an FBI affidavit says. Orders based on these prescriptions were filled by two pharmacies in California and Oregon and sent to Xpress Pharmacy customers, the affidavit said.

Smith's attorney bristles at government descriptions of Smith's firm. Xpress Pharmacy merely "facilitated doctor-patient relationships and doctor-pharmacy situations in order to help patients. It was not a pharmacy," broke no laws and did not need a license, Michael said.

Smith's father said Chris ran a fast-growing, legitimate business. "Are those investigators after Chris just because he's successful, because he's made good money?" he asked. "Chris is too smart to make the kind of mistakes they say he made. He's just too brilliant."

Anita and the FBI

That's essentially what Chris' wife, Anita, told FBI agents when they arrived at the family's home on May 10, the same day his office was shut down, Scott Smith said.

Guns drawn, FBI agents pushed into Smith's posh Burnsville house, searching for evidence that his Internet prescription drug business was violating federal laws.

Scott Smith said that hours after the raid, Anita Smith offered this account of what happened. Chris Smith wasn't there, but Anita sat holding her 3-year-old son as agents searched the house.

An FBI agent asked Anita why she would stay with a man with Smith's history.

"Because I love him, and because he's the smartest man I ever met," Anita Smith said. "He could learn your job in a week."

The agent broke out in laughter.

Warren Wolfe is at wolfe@startribune.com.

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June 02, 2005

Email no-nos

How NOT to email. I must admit - I use some of these in my emails.

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June 01, 2005

Megan Mullally gets a talk show!!!

Megan Mullally just signed a deal with NBC to host her own talk show that'll begin airing Fall 2006! This is the best news in entertainment history since, um, since, well ... um, since Six Feet Under was renewed?

I wonder what they'll call it? Here are some thoughts:

• Brutually Honest with Megan Mullally
• Attitude and Sass with Megan Mullally
• Hyena Laughing at Handicapped Folks with Megan Mullally
• Pill Popping with Megan
• Booz'n it up with Megan
• How to Marry Rich with Megan
• Fag Hag Megan Mullally

She could have segments like, Feel the Love from America's Homos where people call or write in to tell her how much they idolize her. After the comments are read, or spoken, Megan can just sit back, look pretty, and say, "Now ain't that sweet. Onto our next caller for more ego-boosts."

And who will her first guest be? I'd love to see Cher or Madonna do a show. It could be a reunion for her - they've both been on Will & Grace.

I know Megan's got her own personality, and she's not "Just Karen," but a boy can dream, right?

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